Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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