haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
