i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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