i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
