whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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