Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
