Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Randomize
