Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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