sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
