Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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