Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
