just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
