He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
