I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
