I can text with my tongue
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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