I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
