He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
