I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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