At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
