I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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