3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
