I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
