my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
