I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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