Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
