I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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