She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
