I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
