So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
