Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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