Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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