This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
