i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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