I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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