Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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