Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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