Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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