Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
