my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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