I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
