need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How does it feel to date your dad?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
