I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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