he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
