They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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