The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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