I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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