My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
