toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
