My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
