it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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