OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
