sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
