If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
