For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
