I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
