census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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