this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I pour the whiskey from now on
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