All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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