1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
