I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
