In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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