Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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